One year can change a lot.
This past year was an eye opener. Met a friend yesterday. We had only ever stayed in touch once a year. And I think the kind of person I am, this sort of commitment works well.
So exactly a year ago when we met she was full of life. Brimming with joy having been freshly engaged. It was all she would talk about: how amazing the guy was, how amazing the family was, how he takes care of everything, adores her the most in the world.
A year was all it took to change that.
Yesterday she revealed that her relationship has ended. It was all a farce. The family turned out to be extremely weird and it was in her best interest that they ended things.
I can’t help but recall the words she said to me “I’m back to square one. It’s like none of that ever happened. I have to rebuild from scratch. My life has to restart. Again.”
I had no words to console. And I don’t think she needed my words of consolation. Anyway. But hearing her spill everything. Was just too much. Here I was thinking about how I was not considered for a stupid promotion and here someone’s entire life was changed. Forever.
As an avid book reader we’ve become so used to thrilling page turners, when stories change within a paragraph. But when the same happens in real life, it’s just so hard to believe and digest.
Talking to her, I felt her hopelessness. And it’s the worst. Having been in a hollow relationship I could understand how devastating it feels. Her words “crushed”.
The only thing I could think about was: the more the person thinks about it, talks about it, blames oneself it sticks to you more.
As hard it is, you need to move away. I personally hate the term “move on”. Because in moving on some of things you’re moving on from clings on you as well. So it’s better to move far away from it. Don’t look back. Don’t consider it a memory. Yes you passed by that place but you don’t need to come back to it. Don’t. Don’t go back. Don’t revisit the horror.
I have.. and it kills me everyday!!
I want to tell her. but i can’t. I know if she would find out, she would hate me forever and that would kill me.
Once long ago my best friend told me that some people create false memories so that they can forget the real ones. At that time I thought, how awful must someone’s life be that they wish to create false memories to take over the real ones. Years later I can identify. I didnt create false memories to forget this particular friend. I did however made new memories, fresh, real.
These memories helped take over those in the past, because however amazing the time I spent with this friend in the past, it caused me pain. How weird no?
How can good times cause you pain?
What I have learned is don’t let the past haunt you.
Don’t stop moving.
Don’t try to get the past back.
Don’t let them think they were the best thing that happened to you, because life is full of surprises. You don’t know who you might meet, that would actually would give you the greatest memories of your life, ones that are everlasting, ones that you will never ever want to forget. Ever.
One always tries to forget the bad memories. The times they were hurt, the times they hurt.. the times they acted stupid .. the times they knew someone was acting stupid.. but they let it happen.
so now all we can do is to try to shut it out. like it never happened.
He once told me a person can modify a person’s memory to make it look as if something happened differently or not at all..
and that day I told him how sad the person must be that they just want to create memories by falsehood..that their real memories do nothing except to haunt them..
how terrible must their life has been.
What did I know that I would be wishing this for you.
I don’t want you to remember me.
I don’t want you to know that I ever existed.
I don’t want you to miss me.
I don’t want you to come back.
I don’t want you to worry about me.
You wanted an exit. This is it. I am giving it to you.
Accept it. Leave. And please don’t go there.
You may want to reconsider
coming back time and again
no i dont look forward to it
no not anymore, no not anymore
why should I let you in
when I know you only come here to say goodbye
Dont you know how much it hurts
to see your face and then to see you turn away
I cant ask you to stay
have i ever before
but seeing you leave
knowing you wont be here tomorrow
dont come back
how can i even ask this from you
when i need you all the time
but the pain of your goodbyes pierces me through
dont come back
not like this at least
stay. but dont come back.
stay. but dont come back
stay. but dont come back.
so very proud of you.
Here’s a re-plug to a letter I wrote you last year:
KEEP ON ROCKING, GIRL!!!!!!!!