The Unfelt Grief

My cousin passed away today. After suffering for more than a year from kidney failure. This is my second blood relative who has passed within a year. I was devastated when I lost D last August. Even though I only remember her briefly from childhood and met just once a few years back as an adult, I felt a connection to her that I had not felt with even the cousins I lived with. She was special. She was to me what I can still not comprehend and I would continue hating myself for not being her special person.

I lost S today. Much older than both  D and I. She leaves behind her two young boys. 12 an 10. What a terrible terrible age to lose a loved one. I cannot imagine what they must be going through. To feel a loss so huge at this age, the heartbreak is irrecoverable.

The purpose of me penning down my thoughts today is how I don’t feel sad at her loss. She was my cousin, a blood relative. I never saw her by face, never met her, only heard her once. That’s it. Borders and distance prevented us from being closer as cousins. But I should feel more sadness.

I feel mostly for my grandmother. Who had to first go through the death of her daughter and now her granddaughter. Both lost.

Such are the times, I do wonder, why why why why the good people?

Today is not the time to come asking the same old question, why why did we have to live so disconnected? Yes borders separated us, but could we not have more effort to keep in touch? It’s a two way street and I guess I would be lying if I said we could have made it work but how how do I find it in my heart to feel, truly feel for a loved one I have lost today… I was supposed to love her too.. I owed her compassion…. but here I am typing this and don’t feel the sadness or even regret of not even saying goodbye.

She and her kids have my prayers and I sincerely hope I could do something for them but these words sound hollow. As hollow as they felt when I vowed to bring a change in D’s life and that never happened.

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