The not so irrational fear

Lately all I ever think about while going to sleep is waking up next to my mom who has stopped breathing. I panic, unable to comprehend what to do. I have played this scenario repeatedly in my head for a million times and have failed to arrive at the solution. What do I do if that happens? Nothing. There is emptiness and an abrupt end to this demonic vision.

However much I have tried to shake it off, it doesn’t go away.

I don’t know why this horrible thought has taken refuge in my already messed up mind but however times I try to get rid of it, it comes back again.

I check her pulse whenever I wake up at night, I nudge her, I poke her, I try to hear her breath. And the calm that comes next is one I have never felt before.

I don’t want to ever face that alternate dread in reality. Ever. Ever. I don’t want to.

 

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